Monthly Archives: August 2011
“Psychological projection or projection bias is a psychological defense mechanism where a person subconsciously denies his or her own attributes, thoughts, and emotions, which are then ascribed to the outside world, usually to other people. Thus, projection involves imagining or projecting the belief that others originate those feelings.” (Wikipedia)
I had some friend, or rather class fellow at university. There was three of us, Jane, me, and Meg. I changed names, but it’ll be easier to use some. We were going very often outside together. Jane was the most attractive girl. She wasn’t very pretty, but she had that “something”, what made men following her. I also didn’t have a problem with getting attention of men. I had rather problem with getting peace. Especially, when they drunk a little, and they felt more brave. Now I’m laughing at memory of it, but that time it was sometimes very annoying. Meg was transparent. She was mostly sitting in the corner, and observing. I thought, that she is normal, but just shy. I was mistaken.
Meg was used to talk, how good friends they were with some very handsome boy from our class. They had some classes without me, so I couldn’t compare her stories with reality. And in fact I didn’t care too much. One thing should warn me, but I didn’t pay attention. That boy, lets call him Ben, had some problems with study. It ended with repeating a year. But it’s not about it. Some day Ben was at class. I was in hurry, so I went fast out. He ran afer me to talk. Meg stood 2 metres far from us, not participating in conversation, but listening to it. It should be a sign for me, that there is something wrong with her.
After some time a girl, Meg’s room-mate, asked me, how was Ben? I repeated her our conversation. She looked at me strangely. I asked – what happened? She said, that Meg told her word in word the same situation, but without me there or with me staying two metres far and listening. I though, that it was some bad joke. That way I met in real mechanism of projection as psychological defence.
It wasn’t the end of that story. Meg so sickly wanted to keep her self in imaginary world of being the most attractive girl on the Earth, that she dared even to attack me, that I am a liar. She said, that she was always in the center of attention, and Jane and I were envying her everything. That we both were ugly, and without a class, and she was the only one worth attention. I was in shock. I’ve never before met anybody like she. I didn’t know anybody, who had to steal somebody’s life to make her own more interesting. Mean, I could understand stealing, but not believing, that it was true. The most scary is, that she is probably working as psychologist!
Meg was very manipulative person. She tried to destroy my friendship with Jane or although make us fight with each other. Sometimes we even let her involve us in her dirty games. But years passed away, and me and Jane are still best friends. Meg disappeared from our life. Mean her husband is sending me every year Christmas and Easter cards with wishes from them both. Oh, I forgot. Her husband was also our class fellow. She even made him believe, that I am a liar, and I stole her story. He even attacked me in her “defence”. But I guess, that with time he regained sight. At least he was smart. They were working 4 years in London. After coming back, they bought a flat, and he invited me there a couple of times. I even went there once. But her mad sight convinced me, that better is to not go there anymore.
About mechanism of projection as mechanism of self-defence. People keep believing, that all is fine with them, and other people have problems. Meg subconsciously felt unattractive, not pretty and not interesting for men. Instead of making her self better, she was projecting her complexes, fears on others, and believing, that they were unattractive, full of complexes, and envying her everything. Mean, that other people were exactly, what she was. I had that bad luck to be close. Why she chose me? Probably even she didn’t know. She just needed somebody to make projection. I guess, that after our separation, she always found somebody to make projection, and somebody to believe her.
Psychological defence is good for short periods, but it doesn’t solve problems. It’s running from problems, not making them disappear, but making them growing bigger with time. After time person is losing at all orientation, what is true and what is only imagination. She/he is keeping believing, that other people have their problems, fears, frustrations, tensions, but not they. If it’s not cured, it’ll can finish very bad. For themselves or for people, whom they chose for projection, if they are not strong enough to survive.
How to cure psychological bias? Selfknowledge, and selfacceptance. When patients will see possitive sides of their real life, when they will see them selves healthy way as valuable people, a reason of making projection will disappear.
More, than 3 years ago, I broke with my bf. Or maybe rather I pushed him to say straight about his plans for future. We were dating since 3 years. But it was a strange relationship. We could spend hours on talking about everything. But it was never real relationship. Maybe it was my fault, that I kept him on a distance since the beginning. We were going out together, visiting each other, talking, eating… but no more. 21st century, two adult people, and nothing. Funny. Or not at all. I thought, that it was because his family was utterly religious. Some friend suspected him even for being a gay, because of having sexy girl close, and doing nothing. But I was also cold, and I’m not a lesbian, so lets skip it. Till now, he remembers about my birthday, Christmas, Women Day etc. and is sending wishes always… but avoiding meeting.
I was a bit depressed after break up, so my friend advised me to come on net, and meet people all over the world. I was always curious different cultures, countries, religions, so I liked that idea. He sent me links to Facebook, PerFspot, and some other social sites, which I even don’t remember now.
On the beginning, I knew nothing about virtual life, and people here. I was honest and sincere in real, so I was the same on virtual… and I thought, that people arround are the same. I was to naive, to trustful. And I payed for that.
I met some man on Facebook. He was talking about love, sending pictures with flowers. It was nice. And it fed my ego after break up with T. But with time I started being afraid of that man. He was to despotic, to grady. I didn’t know Muslim men before. I didn’t know, how to behave with them. I chose coward’s solution. I went away without a word. I thought, that soon he will forget me. At least it was virtual. I thought, that it’ll be the best for him… And that way I got horrible bunny boiler.
He found me on perfspot. Of course he had another identity. He was a nice friend. Once I even asked him, is he that man from facebook, but he denied, and I believed him. He got my trust. He knew very well, who was on the top of my friends list, for who I cared the most. And soon strange people were appearing close to them. To talk bad about me, and to make them leave me. Now I know, that he made many fake accounts of males and females to fight with me. To take revenge. He was also clever enough to get some helpful people, who were helping him to destroy my every relationship. I didn’t know, how to fight with such people. I thought, that honesty will be enough. It wasn’t! I couldn’t also win their methods, because they were against my nature. I tried, and I felt vomits then, so I decided to be myself no matter what. The best solution was ignoring.
After time, when once I provoked him, and he uncovered cards, I remembered, that I caught him on some lies before. But I didn’t pay to big attention on them. Now I know, that it was mistake.
When he sent me 1st rude message from account on fb of that man, who I blocked, I even tried to apologise. I said sorry for hurting him by leaving without a word. I advised him to forget me, and start living his own life. It was really the best for him, because hate spoiled his life completely, and spoiling my life became his obsession. I got an answer, that I am old, ugly whore, who nobody wants to f..k etc. etc. Nice man. So I said, that I felt in the past, that he could be so rude, and aggressive, and that I made right decision by leaving him.
By the way, how he could send me message from account blocked by me? I thought, that it was impossible. hm
Facebook finally blocked him… but he was keeping attacking me from other accounts. Time to time some people were sending me friends requests. Most of them were even nice. Oh, he is perfect in playing nice. But just to get some informations to use them then against me. With time I could recognise very fast his every fake identity.
Good for me, that all that happened to me on virtual. I prefer don’t think, what would happen, if it was in real. Good, that my dog, and cats can feel safe. Hm, but he wanted, playing my good friend, visit me in my house. I didn’t give him my address, but he is so obsessed with me, that he can be able to find me in real too. Brrrrr
I’m sure, that he will read this article. Probably he will become furious again. But long time ago I stopped care. I tried to make a peace between us. He rejected. So he can keep spoiling his life with obsession of spoiling mine. In the past I wanted to help him, I felt pity, I felt even guilty… but no more!
Conclusion? We have to be really carefull with people on virtual. We never know who is that person on other pc.
Yesterday Mystery, my new friend blogger, wrote about child abuse. Her article reminded me some story from my work. Reminded me, that domestic persecutors are mostly double-faced. One face for publicity and second, real one, for people who depend on them, children, partners, or old parents. Like dr. Jeckyl and mr. Hyde.
Some time ago I was helping some woman to divorce with her husband, who was persecuting her since 20 years. It was a part of my work. He beat her many times, and all the time was abusing her emotionally.
I knew both of them years before, but I didn’t know, what’s going on between them. What was the most interesting, most of the people, so I, were thinking, that she was that bad, and he was poor guy, who had a witch as wife. I’ll explain why. She was mostly grumpy, never smiling, becoming angry without a reason. I have to confess, I didn’t like her. I didn’t know her husband well, but he seemed to be nice and polite guy, always ready to help.
When that woman told me, what was going on in their house since 20 years, showed me documents from obduction after beating her, once she almost lost an eye, I was in shock. I asked, why she waited so many years to do something? She answered like many others victims of domestic violence – shame, feeling of guilty, numbness, powerlessness. She got a power to free her self from that toxic relationship, because her adult children gave her support.
It’s common, that after abuse, persecutor is asking for forgiveness, and when he get it, he behaves like an angel… till next abuse. Stronger, than previous. If you forgive again, it’ll become stronger again. If somebody abuse you once, you can forgive him, and give him a chance, but when abuse will repeat, leave him, because there is no chance to he could change suddenly. None miracle will be possible in this case. Especially, if he doesn’t have any will to change, and to go on some therapy. Mostly persecutors were victims of domestic violence when they were children, and they just don’t know other way of being in relationships. But it doesn’t justify them. Especially, if they do nothing to change it. To break that mad circle.
I helped her to complete documents for court. I prepared my opinion. I wrote there, what I wrote before, that domestic persecutors are mostly double-faced. That they seem to be nice, and good for neighbors, people at work, and all people arround, but at home, where nobody sees they are showing real faces, faces of monsters.
That woman divorced happily and very fast. And she totally changed. She is almost always smiling. She looks much much better. Like she got back life.
Here is that article about child abuse: http://mysterycoach.wordpress.com/2011/08/28/child-abuse/
Men are mostly simple, and they mean exactly, what they say. We women are more complicated. That’s why we very often have problems with understanding each other.
When men say something, we women are looking for hidden sense of their words, and on other hand, men are taking straight, what women say, when in fact we think something totally different.
Maybe this funny dictionary will help men although a little to understand us women better
I’m not too much talkative person. Maybe not always. It’s rather spasmodic. Once I was kidding after exchanging many messages with some of my friends, that I used limit for the whole month, so he shouldn’t be surprised, when I’ll become silent for long time.
The same is in real. There are times, when I’m talking a lot, but then I’m looking for loneliness, and I’m going to my shell. I miss my friends, but I’m not calling them sometimes for long. Those, who know me well understand, that it doesn’t mean that I forgot them or that I don’t care. They understand, that I just need loneliness time to time.
I wrote about it to explain, why time to time I’m posting only music or pictures with quotes with my few words only or even without. This quote is one of my life mottos.
I need, like every normal person, to be loved, and I need to belong to somebody, but I need also my freedom, my own space. Paolo Coelho said in Alchemist – “If somebody really loves you, he will let you live in agreement with your own legend”, Yeah!