God gave me ability of seeing things as they are, not as they wish to be. Sometimes it’s like a curse. Sometimes I wished to be blind. And once I even was.
People say, that I am naive and innocent like a child. That although, I’m not a kid, and I experienced alot in life, I still believe, that people are good and honest from nature. That even if they are different, there are some reasons, why they forgot, what being human means. I guess, that I am silly optimistic.
Thanks that God’s gift of ability of seeing things as they are, I can see more, than other people… and I always expect that miracle will happen, and that evil will become good some day.
Once I loved so much, that I became absolutely blind. I wanted to believe, that he is honest, brave, and sincere, that he is a man of honour. But I only wished him to be, what I was looking for in men. I made in my mind a picture of him. Of unreal him. Of him, who never existed in real. It was enough, that there were some rare moments, when he was close to that ideal man from my imagination.
Do I really expect to much from men? Being honest, courageous, fair it’s really so much? I know an answer – No! I know, that there are men like that on the world. I had that luck, that I met such men personally. Some of them are even my friends. Friends, on whom I can rely always. Friends, who can see me as I am, not as others want them to see me. Real friends are exactly like that. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being, who you are. Having friends like you in life is making it worth living. 🙂
I told you, that I prefered friendship, because I knew my self too well. I knew, what will happen, if I let myself to fall in love with you. Don’t say, that I didn’t warn you.
When I’m in love, I’m becoming mad. I don’t care for anybody, but for the man I’m in love with. I could die for him, kill for him, go to the center of the hell after him. I am possessive, and jealous. Not much, when I can trust a man, and when he is not giving me reasons for jealousy. But when he is lying and cheating, I’m like volcano, which can erupt in every moment.
I am sweet, nice, loving and caring for somebody who can appreciate it, but furious and unpredictable for somebody, who is hurting my feelings. When I feel powerless, I’m crying.
I am easy in service. Be honest, sincere, and loyal, and I will be an angel for you. And you will taste all the best in me. Don’t try to use me or cheat me, because you’ll see my evil side. If you across some limits, I’ll delete you from my life for ever as you have never existed.
I will never regret, that I met you, although it almost killed me. You thought me a lot. Especially about my self. You gave me support many times. You gave me many good advises. You made me laughing, when I was sad. For all that I’m thankful you.
Without knowing you, I couldn’t even know, that I was able to so big, and so unconditional love.
I’m glad, that you appeared on my path of life, because God put you there to make me wiser and stronger.
My parents thought me to be honest always, no matter what. It’s like a hunch, especially on virtual…. but I like that my hunch, and I wont replace it with colourful wings of lies just to attract people.
It’s not easy to be honest always in world full of lies, and illusions. If you are honest and sincere, you’ll be taken by many people as a fool. They will try to cheat you, use you, and, in the best case, they will call you dull with your honesty and sincerity. What’s funny in honesty? Nothing. But people on virtual are looking mostly for fun. Especially, if their real life is not funny at all.
People are running from real problems into virtual, into imaginary world, because here they can find all, what they are looking for. Mean cartoon heroes, and characters, perfect people, and perfect relationships. And all is fine as long as they can see the difference between reality and illusions. And as long they don’t hurt others.
It’s easier and farther to get something by giving people, what they want to get. By satisfying their needs with temptations and fake promises of heaven on the Earth. It’s like the trick well-known in marketing. It’s about selling the most useless thing, by convincing people, that it’s exactly, what they need, and they can’t live without.
I don’t agree with people, who say, that all is fair in love. I don’t agree, that if we want to get love we will can lie, cheat, and play. I don’t want to get feeling built on so cheap base. Not only because it will become ruin, like castles built on the sand, when the truth will be uncovered. I don’t want to get feelings by cheating, because it wont have real value for me. Besides how long we can live in a lie?
Only real things have real value for me. To get them, I have to be real also. If somebody really loves me, he will accept me as I am. With all my imperfections. Only such love has a chance to last for ever.
Real warm hug is worth much more, than imaginary ecstasy. At least for me.
When I was at university, I was sad once, because I felt hurted by some man. I expected support from my best friend, but she said: ” Did you think ever, that you are hurting men?” No, I didn’t, that’s why I asked: “How I am hurting them? I’m trying to be nice mostly.” She answered:” You are hurting them by giving them hope, and then leaving.”
Yesterday somebody reminded me that old story. One of my best buddies called me egoistic, and cruel, because I was ignoring him since some time. Few days ago he offended me, and he was keeping doing that although I told him, that I felt hurted, and I wont forgive him this time. But he was mad at me, and he couldn’t stop himself.
I guessed, that he felt hurted by me. But instead of answer for my question – “What I did wrong?”, he was keeping offending me, and expecting, that I’ll read in his mind.
Yesterday I got offline messages from him on yahoo:
“- miss u
– but u r still cruel
– n i lov u still
– but u r still dumb
– but i lov u still
– u r a darling although u dun use ur brain n u r egoistic
– n i still lov u
– u r a darling buddy but u still dont understand
u r a typical women….
– but still i miss u”
It was really beautiful… and I felt really without brain, that I didn’t notice anything before. Mean I felt something, but I chose not see it.
I felt hurted many times, but the truth is, that I was giving hurts many times also. Many times subconsciously, but it doesn’t justify me. We don’t have to be rude to hurt. Sometimes it’s enough to be blind for somebody’s feelings.
Most of problems between men and women are lieing in problems in communication. When we feel hurted, mostly we are keeping pain inside, instead of saying straight, what’s going wrong. We are cumulating that pain, and we are keeping hurting each other. In the end mostly we even don’t remember why all that started, and who hurted who 1st.
Sometimes it’s really difficult to answer, who is a victim, and who is an aggressor? Mostly both in one. Mostly people, who are hurting others, are doing this because they felt hurted before. It’s really mad circle.
It doesn’t make any sense, because nobody can be a victor in that silly game. Everybody gets wounds. Really much better is talking straight, what’s going wrong. It’s not so easy sometimes, but not impossible. Sometimes good will from both sides is enough.
“If there is a good will, there is great way.” (Shakespeare) So try to say straight: ” I think…”, “I feel…”, I expect…” And life will become probably much easier.
All, what I expect from people is honesty, and sincerity. No more, no less, that I am giving. Maybe it’s silly expectation on virtual, but I am, who I am. Always the same.
I wish to live in the world, where people are honest, and nice for each other. World free from envying, lies, dirty games. Life could be so easy then. When all was clear and fair.