Blindness from choice

God gave me ability of seeing things as they are, not as they wish to be. Sometimes it’s like  a curse. Sometimes I wished to be blind. And once I even was. 

People say, that I am naive and innocent like a child. That although, I’m not a kid, and I experienced alot in life, I still believe, that people are good and honest from nature. That even if they are different, there are some reasons, why they forgot, what being human means. I guess, that I am silly optimistic.

Thanks that God’s gift of ability of seeing things as they are, I can see more, than other people… and I always expect that miracle will happen, and that evil will become good some day.

Once I loved so much, that I became absolutely blind. I wanted to believe, that he is honest, brave, and sincere, that he is a man of honour. But I only wished him to be, what I was looking for in men.  I made in my mind a picture of him. Of unreal him. Of him, who never existed in real. It was enough, that there were some rare moments, when he was close to that ideal man from my imagination.

Do I really expect to much from men? Being honest, courageous, fair it’s really so much? I know an answer – No! I know, that there are men like that on the world. I had that luck, that I met such men personally. Some of them are even my friends. Friends, on whom I can rely always. Friends, who can see me as I am, not as others want them to see me. Real friends are exactly like that. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for being, who you are. Having friends like you in life is making it worth living. 🙂

Letter to nowhere – illusions

Today I realised very clear, that my letters were really to nowhere. That I was writing to somebody, who have never existed in real. That he existed only in my imagination. That only my love was real.

Actually I knew since very long time, that I loved somebody, who existed only in my imagination, but I still hoped, that maybe I was wrong. Silly me.

In the past I was angry with him, that he followed nonexisted people, that he followed virtual ghosts. It’s funny, that I was doing exactly the same.

But I still don’t regret that I met him. It’s good to know different kind of people in life. To know, what to avoid 😉

I’m in good mood now. I closed some chapter of my life.  Actually I was too weak to do it, so I provoked him to do that instead of me. And it worked… like many times before.

Long time ago I deleted from my heart all useless feelings and emotions like anger, envying, regrets, desire of revenge, and 1st of all – hate. They can’t bring anything valuable to our life, so why to waste a time and precious energy for useless things?

I am much more happy after I changed my way of treating things, which happen to me. I’m more peaceful now. Now I think, that whatever happens, just happens, and there is no reason to think too much about it, to analyse, to make questions.

I know, that everybody, who did something wrong to me, soon or later will pay for that badly, so why to bother my self for doing anything? God is the best judge. It’s enough to trust Him, and to wait patiently for his work.

I have learned to enjoy every good moment in life, and forget fast bad ones. That’s why I have only good memories 🙂

I was in love with ghost… but the most important is, that I loved. It’s nice feeling. Really. We can enjoy it.  I will never regret, that I was in love. It’s nice to know, that I am able to such great feeling. It’s nice to know, that I am a human.

There is no broken heart anymore. There is just heart able to the greatest love.

Letter to nowhere – I’m glad, that I met you

I told you, that I prefered friendship, because I knew my self too well. I knew, what will happen, if I let myself to fall in love with you. Don’t say, that I didn’t warn you.

When I’m in love, I’m becoming mad. I don’t care for anybody, but for the man I’m in love with. I could die for him, kill for him, go to the center of the hell after him. I am possessive, and jealous. Not much, when I can trust a man, and when he is not giving me reasons for jealousy. But when he is lying and cheating, I’m like volcano, which can erupt in every moment.

I am sweet, nice, loving and caring for somebody who can appreciate it, but furious and unpredictable for somebody, who is hurting my feelings. When I feel powerless, I’m crying.

I am easy in service. Be honest, sincere, and loyal, and I will be an angel for you. And you will taste all the best in me. Don’t try to use me or cheat me, because you’ll see my evil side. If you across some limits, I’ll delete you from my life for ever as you have never existed.

I will never regret, that I met you, although it almost killed me. You thought me a lot. Especially about my self. You gave me support many times. You gave me many good advises. You made me laughing, when I was sad. For all that I’m thankful you.

Without knowing you, I couldn’t even know, that I was able to so big, and so unconditional love.

I’m glad, that you appeared on my path of life, because God put you there to make me wiser and stronger.

Letter to nowhere – questions with no answers.

Your silence does not hurt me now… Does it mean, that I love you no more? Does it mean, that I became wiser, and that, as self-defence reaction because of too much pain gotten before, I became a stone hearted?


I am not crying since long time. Does it mean, that I am cold now?  Or maybe it means, that I cried oceans, and my eyes became dry, and even when I want to cry, I just can’t?

You told me long time ago, that you knew, that you made a damage in me… So what, that you knew it? Should I suffer less because of that?

You told me – “Stop thinking about me. Stop hurting yourself”. My mind listened… but heart was duff. But if you knew, that there was no future for us, why would you play with my feelings? What kind of profit would you get from that game? My pain?

My friend told me, that we need balance between mind and heart in life. If we can’t get it, we won’t be happy, and our life won’t be complete. He didn’t tell me, how to find that balance.

There are a lot of questions. Mostly without answers. And even if we get answers, mostly it’ll be too late to safe anything.  If anyway we get something, mostly it’ll be only precious knowledge. About our selves. About people. About life. But does that knowledge can make us happy?

I am not sad. Not at all. I just wish to know answers.  But maybe I should stop making questions? Maybe I should stop thinking, and just catch a day?

I’m everything I am, becouse you loved me.

“For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I’m grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don’t know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You’ve been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

I’m everything I am
Because you loved me”

I received this poem, song performed by Celine Dion,  from some romantic friend of mine.

Letter to nowhere – you were all my life

Sometimes pain inside is so big that you have to share it to survive. So I started sending long time ago letters to account used no more by somebody, who gone.

Memories

I remember days, when you cared for me, when I felt special and unique. Our friend told me once, that she was visiting my page very often to see your human face. All people knew you as extremely arrogant boy, but you’ve never been like that for me. You were always nice, full of care and respect.

I didn’t want to fall in love with you. Not at all. I was to big realist to believe that there was any future for us. I don’t know, how it happened, that I fell in love with you. I really didn’t want it… maybe because I felt subconsciously, that it will kill me some day.

I didn’t want to fall in love with you, because I was afraid, that it’ll destroy everything, what was before.  I even didn’t suspect, how much I was right about it. If I knew it, I would never let myself to fall in love with you.

You broke my heart a while after I fell in love with you.  Like you were waiting for that moment to put a knife deep inside my heart, when it’ll hurt the most. Till now I don’t know, why all that happened to me? My the only fault was, that I loved you too much.

You were all my life. When you gone, I lost my reasons for life. It’s miracle, that I’m still alive.